Parenting

Deciding to have a kid is an important decision. Sam and I have been talking about the kid factor. We are waiting a little while. Not too long because we know kids are a great blessing. What kind of blessing can kids be if they end up causing most marriages to decline in marital satisfaction.
The purpose of parenting according to Popkins is to protect and prepare a child to thrive in society. I felt this point is part of it but also for fulfillment in life, happiness, and to grow as a person. Becoming a parent means you have to sacrifice the way you have always lived. A child changes couples lives.
There are specific parenting styles. I took an online quiz to come up with a parenting style based on what I believe and imagine parenting will be like. I would not consider it accurate because I don't know what it it like to be a parent. Sam and I have talked about how hard the teenage years will be. Adolescence is hard years in development. They are going exponentially in those moments. They don't have the best control of their emotions and can't always make sound decisions. Parents need to actively, warmly, and firmly parent a child. You shouldn't force them to do what you want or manipulate them. You need to give appropriate choices and help them learn from bad choices. They learn not from whatbyou tell them to do but when they fall. When they work hard and grow, they gain significant attributes that will ensure they are good citizens.

Working and Finances

Something that has become a conflict for me is whether to pursue a career. I have a deep desire to go on to a master's program and become a Marriage and Family Therapist. I want to share my talents to better society and help others. I also don't want to neglect my marriage and having children. This is a conflict so many woman have. Is it possible to have both or must you make sacrifices? I don't think you can fully have both and be okay with some sacrifices. Women working outside the home isn't bad it just has psychological effects on the family. In my own experience, my mother worked outside the home. I knew my parents struggled with money. It was hard to see both of my parents work so hard and then come home and work hard to maintain there responsibilities as parents. They can't do everything. A woman shouldn't get in the habit of believing that she can be superwoman and balance it all. You aren't balancing but making sacrifices for what seems a good balance. I know that my family should and will always come first. I haven't firmly made a decision but I am learning more that staying at home with kids is important. I wish at times my parents had the energy to be more emotionally available for me. They also were more strict and expected more from me because they couldn't give more. I grew up with a sense of independence and working hard but I also grew up being insecure and very critical of myself. Mothers and fathers need to provide as much as they can financially but they also need to provide emotional and mental support. Women we are strong and we can do many things but there needs to be lots of weighing of the consequences when we leave our kids briefly to fulfill our ambitions for careers.

Some women can't afford not to work outside of the home. If this is the case, I know you are doing the best you can. Not all situations are ideal and we will never be the perfect mother or parent. It just can't and won't happen. I want to make sure the decisions I make about work are not selfish and about gratifying what I want.

We tend to have to work because money is necessary for living. How are we treating the money that comes our way? Are we budgeting? Are we letting our money manage us? There is a great free advice on financial matters called One for the Money.http://mormonbudget.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/031_one-for-the-money.pdf
It talks about how to budget and take care of money as a family. One strong suggestion is to avoid debt as much as possible. My parents have struggled with insurmountable debt. It is a heavy burden and will stick with you. The advice in this pamphlet suggests that you use a debt-elimination calendar. There is a template in the link of how this works. It makes you aware of your debt and work towards removing it from your life. One of the thoughts that I had when reading is how you should learn skills to save money. I liked the idea of learning new skills together as a couple so that we don't have to pay someone to paint our house or change our oil. We can do those things ourselves. I am planning on talking about this with my fiance. He can teach me and I can teach him. It can be away of growing as a family and couple. We teach each other skills and learn to be more self-reliant and frugal with our money.

Communicating to make decisions

Something that has been on my mind is all the decisions Sam and I are making. We have to find work, finish school, find a place to live and make other smaller decisions about our wedding. This is just training for the future. Sam and I are not perfect communicators but we know how to solve problems together.
One way to ensure you are on the same page is understanding that words are symbols. You need to make sure that they mean the same to both of you. Misunderstandings do occur but it is best to find those out early.
Also I would recommend not giving your big talks through text. You miss all the nonverbal cues and tones your partner would use. These make up over 86 percent of all communication to others. Pay attention to those subtle ways of communication. This gives you a better idea what they are saying and how they feel.
These matter as you communicate to make decisions. The best way to do this is a five step process: express love and appreciation,  open with prayer, discuss to a consensus, end with prayer, and share refreshment.
The one I want to focus on is the middle step. When you make a decisions you want to go for an unanimous agreement. This isn't about what you want. It is what is best for your family and what God wants. If this is the case, then two should be able to spiritually discern the answers that they need to chose.
Sam and I want to make decisions this way. Together with a spirit of love and cooperation.
Making decisions can be difficult but the gospel teaches us the perfect way to do it. Jesus Christ would want everyone to feel loved and their opinion mattered. He would want everyone to be fully behind what we chose to do.

Family Crisis and Stress

We all know that marriage isn't a walk in the park. Many trials and hardships are going to occur. So what is the difference between stress and a crisis. How do they affect the family unit?
In my life stress occurs frequently and without any control on my part. We have to learn how to cope and come out stronger. It is a building experiences that make us who we are.
Would you chose to not have these experiences?  I wouldn't.  Sam and I have talked and know that once we are married there will be plenty of hard experiences but it will allow us to grow together.
How can a family grow under stress? It can bring you closer together and lean on each other. This is the ideal when stress is overwhelming.
What does a crisis mean for a family? It means stress that causes a permanent change. One example would be my Dad being diagnosed with diabetes. We as a family had to eat differently and realize his health was not good. We need to be more careful of what we bring into the house and help my dad exercise.  Ours isn't as severe but many do suffer with even harder things.
How they cope will either tear or bring a family closer together. Build good relationships and look ahead for the bigger picture. Trials have meaning and makes them a little lighter.

Sexual Intimacy

The past few months I have been learning about this topic. I know we become afaid of talking about it especially in marriage. This has continued to be a difficult topic. Sexual intimacy in marriage is beautiful and something I have learned to appreciate and understand why it is sacred. I hope to do this topic justice as this world demeans and diminishes this beautiful gift.
Why is sex beautiful and sacred? There are several reasons. One is the ability to bring two human beings closer together than any other way. I am getting married to my wonderful Sam. We make decisions together, we work together, we dream together. We are waiting until we are married to be completely one but this act just shows the love and togetherness we will build. It shows our devotion and desire to create a marriage that is one. Sex isn't just for having children. The notion of being one reminds me of how love should really be. Sex only enhances that marriage relationship.
The biological aspects of sex gears couples for growth. It allows a couple to grow as people. Men and women are different and that is for good reason. If they were the same, sex would be an activity for just pleasure. We know the greatest satisfactions in life require work and so does sex. Women are not as frequently in the mood as men while men are very frequently in the mood. Some would say this doesn't work. It doesn't work if people are selfish in sex. The greatest sex occurs when you strive to please and make your partner happy. It is selfless and shows how sex is a growing experience. You are there to be patient, kind, gentle, and ever selfless in those moments.
This is probably why sex has shown to better in couples who have been together longer. They have learned to serve and attend to them first. Men that have been married for several years prove that it can be done. They chose their partner everyday despite the lack of oxytocin that women have that bonds them to their spouse. Women have to chose just the same but it is easier for them.
Chose your love and love your choice.

Engagement and the First few months of Marriage

I recently became engaged to a kind man and thought of the importance of an engagement. What is the purpose of an engagement? The main purpose is to help create your own family unit and set boundaries. You want to be independent of your parents and interdependent with your spouse. This begins in the engagment process. You are making decisions together.

I know that I have seen this in my own life. I am independent from my parents and have made many decisions without them. It is apart of being an adult. I know my fiancé is the same way. We work as a team to make decisions. Right now he is on the hunt for an internship. We are working on this process together because it impacts both of us.

You still need to have a good relationship with your parents but  they do not become a part of decision making in your relationship. You also shouldn't ask advice from your parents or talk about your problems with them. It keeps your relationship communicating and working together. Any other person that you chose to disclose only reinforces that relationship. This is unhealthy and makes your partner not feel as significant. You should be as described by Whitney L. Clayton in his talk watch and learn. "Fiercely loyal" is a phrase that resonates well with this principle. Are you betraying your partner and running to your parents?

There might be bumps on the road of engagment but the first few months and year of marriage has many hurdles and bumps. You have to share a bedroom and bed together. There is a sharing of everything. For those who have been very independent will find this difficult. Communication will be crucial. You also should be continuing to date and get to know your partner. Sam and I continue to learn new things and what the other person likes. Sam really loves biscuits but he doesn't usually have them for breakfast like my southern self.

This might seem silly but continues to open communication when your partner down plays an issue. There will be plenty of conflicts and that is normal. It is how you solve these problems and continue to pour out love for each other will create a beautiful marriage.

Marriage Prep

We live in a world where people aren't dating anymore. When was the last time you went on a date with your significant other? Dating is so important so you can get to know the person you will marry or did marry. So many couples are still getting to know the person they married even if it is has been several years. So how long should you date someone? How do you know that you are marrying someone that you should especially if you will still be getting to know someone years down the line?

There is a process of selecting people that potential could be marriage quality. One is being able to meet them. There are an innumerable amount of people on this earth. Not all will be people you actually meet. Second is physical appearance. It is the first thing you see and even though we would like to say that physical appearance doesn't matter, it does. Maybe we won't be attracted at first but there has to be some attraction. There will also be personal traits that will help you grow to love someone.
There are so many myths out there about love and finding your companion. The first that their exist one person out there for you. This is ridiculous and just a highly romanticized. There are potentially several people you could be compatible with.

The next highly concerning myths is that emotions equal love. We have all thought. I love this person because I feel so happy and I long to be with that person. But is that love? Will a marriage last if that is the only thing you base your relationship off? Sadly some do. The media very much focuses on this kind of love. I am not saying this passionate blind love doesn't serve a purpose. It does and can help a blooming relationship as you overlook all of the weakness of that person. I just know the feelings will die and then you will have to make a choice. Real love is choosing your partner everyday and supporting them despite weakness or flaws. So you most definitely should not go into a marriage on just emotions. Your marriage will probably become very difficult. The success of a marriage is largely defined by how well you work together.

Another concern about emotions and the high from attraction is that some people may have misattribution of arousal. We can feel similar emotions that are equated to attraction through activities that increase heart rate like exercise, scary movies, and roller coasters. How do you know then?

When you chose to love your partner and commit. You know when you work well together and have plans for you future. You care more about your companion then yourself. It isn't about instant gratification that you may feel when they compliment or make you feel special. You have a healthy attachment which includes knowing about each other trusting each other, relying on each other, committing to each other, and touch with respect to the other.

Gender and the family

Gender is an essential part of who we are. In the culture we live in, gender has become harder to define. What makes you a male or a female? Some would argue it is your biological sex and others would say it is where you fit socially. This could conflict with gender and biological sex.
Why do some individuals have same sex attraction and others don't?
Many would proclaim that they were born this way. This statement is popular and politically correct, but it is not scientifically shown to be that way. There have been studies showing that genetics only make up a small portion of a person influence to have same sex attraction. They perform these studies with identical twins. One study in Australia showed there was an 11 percent influence with genetics. We don't know how much same sex attraction is influenced by genetics but what we do know is you aren't just born that way. There are other environmental and social factors.
These factors come from the environment of a family. Studies have shown those with same sex attraction experienced sexual intimacy sooner, rejection from peers, and were very father hungry. Only two percent of the US population are considered homosexual.
In recent news peditricians placed a statement that causing a child to choose their gender and then place them on hormone injections is consider child abuse. http://www.acpeds.org/the-college-speaks/position-statements/gender-ideology-harms-children
There is an ever tolerant society concerning same sex attraction if you are for it. Many who suffer with same sex attraction and would like to overcome are not allowed to have that help. This is ridiculuous and stops that individuals choice. Counseling and therapy research should be allowed for those who want that service. There is much in the media that distorts and fails to tell the truth. If only their nose grew everytime they lied then we would know what to believe. There is research out there and would like to invite you to check out Daryl Ben on what causes us to be attracted. His theory is exoctic becomes erotic.

Family Culture

What is culture? Are all cultures valid? How does this relate to the family?
These are all questions that I hope to answer with this blog post. I have thought about Culture most recently and how it impacts my life. Culture is the compilation of symbols, beliefs, languages, values, and artifacts. These specific aspects make up our culture and influence how we perceive the world.
Every single person sees the world individual and their own. While I served as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ, I had a companion that I worked with that we didn't get along. We fought and caused problems. It is because we had a different culture which affected how we perceived the world and each other. I would try to show love in how I knew but to her it translated to a hateful action. This doesn't mean we lived from very distant countries from each other. We actually lived just on opposite sides of the country.

Does that mean one of our cultures was not valid? No. In this instance it was belief of what certain actions mean. What makes a culture valid, it is valid when it contains truth and a positive effect on the population. All cultures has aspects that are not valid even here in the US.
How does this relate to family? This relates to family because within a family, there is an individual culture. I thought about this concept tremendously as I am soon to be married and blend two families. We both come from two different family cultures. His family never worried too much about money. They were in no wise rich but well taken care of. My family on the other hand were always scrambling. I remember worrying about money at a young age. These incidents have an impact on how we both spend our money. He sees that families go out to eat a lot and spend more time together. I on the other hand witnessed less family time and eating out. He participated in family dinner while I did not. We were both parented very differently. It sounds like we don't even belong together when described like this. We come from different backgrounds and cultures but we have some similarities and when we are married we get to create our own culture. We can take from each of our families those things we want to incorporate and ignore those that might not be valid.

Family culture can and will change as circumstance or needs arise. I gained an increased sympathy for the Mexican population that come to America illegally. The article The costs of getting ahead: Mexican family system changes after immigration by Martica L. Bacallao and Paul R. Smokowski talks about why they come and the challenges. I have always thought the Mexican people should stay and build their own country. What is it about America that they have to come? I learned how much they love their children and value their progression. They want to get them ahead by learning English, other skills, and having the opportunity for a good college education. They aren't leaving to become rich. They usually have many challenges getting here and living in America. So many would say is it really worth it? Those that cross the border illegally would say yes. Mexicans who can speak basic English can triple their income. They want their children to get ahead, and not themselves. Their family cultures shifts and becomes different from that in Mexico. Both parents will work and teenagers will work as well. While in Mexico only the father usually works. They have a traditional family structure and culture. The father usually goes ahead of the family. There is a distance from the father and his children for years. This distance doesn't change when they are all in America. The mother becomes the head of household with the absences of the father. Family culture and structure can change. This reminds me of people in abusive homes. There is hope because you can change it.

Nothing is definite. Family can be exactly the way you want it. It may require time and effort. Whether it is getting out of that abusive relationship, making family dinner a priority, better disciplining of children, or having better communication.

Family Theories

Family is crucial to society. There is proven research to how a family should be set up with a mother and a father  and children. Some people have this exact structure and yet there is discord in the family. There are a few theories that I want to talk about. The first is conflict theory. This is seen so frequently in society. The conflict theory is the theory that their is a power struggle between two individuals over limited resources. It is a competition. I see this in the way that a mother and father may compete as a parent. Women are wanting to be equal and in some cases superior to men. If women feel they are inferior to men there is a struggle between the two. There needs to be a balance and cooperation as parents. Each is important and is needed. This brings me to another theory called systems theory. The family unit is a system. Each individual in that system is important and plays a part. The idea of system theory is less about individuals but more of the family collectively.
Another theory that I have become familiar with is the exchange theory. This theory considers the cost of a relationship and the benefits of it. When consider, the people in the relationship only stay when the benefits out way the costs. I don't believe people should look at their relationships like this. I believe too often people in society do. When a person becomes too hard to handle or their needs aren't being met, they just leave. Love is supposed to be unconditional and unmeasurable.  This places limits and conditions on your love. I am certain that even in the best individuals the idea of unconditional is impossible. Though it may not be plausible shouldn't it be strived for. If you look at your relationship in terms of give and take, how long will your relationship last? Our society is so focused on the self. This theory is selfish because you in time don't worry as much about what you give but what you are not receiving. Love isn't about receiving but giving oneself to another person.

Societies Trends Concerning Marriage and Family

Societal trends are having a negative effect with concerns to the traditional family. Some people would say these new trends have no harmful effects on society. People should be allowed to make choices on what they feel is best. There is some truth to this but people misunderstand that these choices will affect society as a whole. Studies show that the best environment for a child is the intact married heterosexual couple. The link below will take you to some statistics.
Family structure studies and outcomes
Our culture is getting away from traditional marriage and many aren't even getting married. One fourth of the households in US 2010 census were single homes. There is strong increase in people cohabitating so they can "test"out there relationship before they get married. There were 6.8 million households in the 2010 census who fit this category. This academic journal of marriage and family previews some of the research that has been. Consequences of Cohabitation The results show there is more negative or neutral outcomes then postive for those who chose this lifestyle.
There is also a society trend of people having less children and not having enough people to keep the population stable. We will grow for a few more years but countries all over the world will see decreased populations. This will effect our economy.  This two part series will explain how this will effect our economy. Effects of fertility rates. Women are having less children. The fertility rate is right around 2.13 children per woman. The video explains that humans provide knowlege and skills that our needed in our economy. Each person matters. The less children brought into this world means that their will be less minds to provide answers to the problems we face.
There are many trends in the world today concerning family that should cause concern. People say I am going to live how I feel I want to live. Yes there is some truth to that. We all should definitely make our own choice but those choices need to be made well aware of the consequences that will have. Your choices always affect people in the long run. Please be informed and support traditional families.

The importance of family

There is a need to educate people on the importance of the family. It appears from the research I have read from the state of the union 2012 that family and marriage is not valued as it should be. I have a copy of the research if anyone wants to see figures. I am shocked and hope to inform individuals about the reality and importance of being married.